Last Sunday, my pastor delivered a message that was very powerful for me. I currently watch LIVE online most Sundays, so I was sitting there frozen staring at the screen, almost zombie-like in a trance, lingering on every word.
The Broken Mirror
The pastor proceeded to demonstrate our lives as a reflection in a mirror, and as he held a full-length mirror, he took a hammer and struck it several times over and over. It quickly cracked and shattered.
This is what life truly is: broken, disappointing, flawed. Among the cracks we are trying to find our reflection in a flawless piece–hope that we can still find a version of ourselves without the hurt and pain.
I watched and the first few hits were like little cracks in the mirror and then suddenly a big hole from a single strike was created at the top of the mirror, and I just said to myself, “That one’s Dad”.
That big hole there in my life, that’s losing Dad in 2020. “Oh, and maybe that little new hole over there…that’s my cancer diagnosis.”
Finding Peace
I am sure everyone would interpret the pastor’s message differently, so I encourage you to watch it for yourself here, but he ended the message: Jesus is the Peace this season where we can look at our broken mirrors and pause; realize that this is how life on earth is, and Jesus came to save us from all of that even when we feel undeserving of His grace because God loves us so much more than we can comprehend.
That hole I feel for my dad, that’s a hole I have been trying to fill my whole life. This long season, it’s represents Dad, but before it might have been failure, depression, unmet expectations. That hole isn’t going away while I am here on earth. Only God’s love can fill that hole and someday when I get to heaven I think my mirror won’t be broken anymore.
Knowing all this, taking time to remind myself of this peace, I still have my low moments. The past couple of weeks there have been plenty of moments of fear and worry. It’s scanxiety season and I feel a little stuck.
Scans/Tests Coming Just Before Christmas
I have a new PET scan just three days before Christmas and I am super nervous.
It’s been about 11 months since my original diagnosis of Stage IV, incurable, Metastatic Paraganglioma cancer. My last scan was in April 2021 and fortunately no growth at that time.
Being in “watch and wait” is a blessing. It’s a sign, at least to me, that this is going to be a slow journey. However, during this time, it’s also made me doubt myself and wonder should I be spending more time learning about it? Are there more natural remedies I should consider to deter growth? Am I relaxing enough to keep my stress levels down? Have I wasted 11 months trying to do something about this while I wait?
Is this next scan where I find out it’s grown A LOT and it’s time to jump into action?
Craving Peace
This past week, I just keep trying to sit in that PEACE my pastor spoke about. No worries, no fear. God has a plan, and I need to learn to fill those holes in my mirror with His love.
I know I am doing the best I can, I can’t focus on time lost anymore. I only can wake up each day and do my best to follow what I think God’s plan for me might be and seek His peace.
Amongst all this, I am also enjoying the Christmas season more this year. I am trying to create more moments of magic for myself and diving deep into the story of Jesus’ birth with a daily study from Proverbs 31.
I am looking forward to time with friends and family this season, and despite what news I may get from the doctor after my scans, I am anticipating 2022 to have even more magical moments filled with good memories.
Request for Prayer
Please pray for me this coming week as I go into my scans and blood tests. Please pray for me that 2022 will be a year of good health and miracles for me. I ask the Lord that I may be strong for whatever is to come because I know the Holy Spirit is here with me all the way.
Wishing all my friends and family good health in 2022! Merry Christmas!