I have been consuming books and videos lately where people mention seasons.
How are you feeling in THIS SEASON?
It’s okay, you are in a tough SEASON.
Maybe it’s not the right time to do this thing THIS SEASON.
Maybe it’s because of the Covid Pandemic and/or because I lost my dad last year to his battle with cancer, but SEASON just felt like the right term to call out a particularly emotional time period.
A season of confusion.
A season to mourn.
A season to do the best I can and forgive myself when I can’t do it all.
With dad being sick for two years with cancer before he passed, I think I was stuck in a two-year-long season of worry, grief, and sacrificing my time to whatever I thought he needed.
Nothing else mattered, I just wanted him to fight and get better, and I was happy to help and spend as much time as I could with him.
I was blessed to live in the next city over, just a 15-minute drive away, and I have been blessed with the ability to run my own business and work location-independent.
I remember working some days in 2018/2019 toting my laptop to every waiting room when I would drive him to go get his latest MRI or PET scan.
2021 has been a new season with my own diagnosis of Stage IV cancer.
I have a whole different perspective on ALL THE THINGS.
Honestly, I am blessed and refreshed with this new perspective, but of course, it’s still a daily struggle figuring out what to do with all of it.
I woke up this morning, thinking, here comes my next season, so let’s write about it.
My next set of scans to “restage” my cancer is coming in early October.
My sister, Emily, wrote about scanxiety in a blog post, and it’s definitely a real thing.
Now being diagnosed with cancer, and actually every year I went in for a check-up MRI since 2005, I get scanxiety.
When you thought you were too young for all this medical experience or thought this is just a precaution—nothing to worry about, and then you prove yourself wrong when you find “surprises” in your scans, I think scanxiety is unavoidable.
You’ve already proven to yourself you aren’t invisible anymore. So when is the next “surprise”??
I wouldn’t consider myself a pessimist, and I do believe in the power of prayer and reading the bible to hear God remind us that worry is not something we should do with our time.
God has us in His hands and He knows the plans that He has for us, so why should we worry when He is making all of us carry out His plans for good.
Still… the anticipation of life-changing news is coming when you have a scan scheduled on your calendar.
It can’t come fast enough, and you also don’t want the day to come.
If I had to name the season I am in right now, it would be a season of trust.
Trust that I am doing all I can, to the best ability that I can right now.
And trust that if I just march forward and do the daily things I think my body, my mind, and my soul need that day, then God will take care of the rest.
I can’t stop my cancer from growing (not that I know of yet), but I can pray, meditate, reduce my stress, laugh, run, smile, have fun working for my clients, give my husband extra hugs whenever I need it, and try to enjoy each day the best I can.
Whether I choose to have a good day and press on, or a bad day and wallow on the couch, I am still going to have moments of anxiety about my upcoming scans…
So I am going to do my best to have the good days this season, probably mixed with moments of scanxiety, but maybe only 2% of my day is that and then I can go back to laughing at TikTok Dad Jokes and playing with my dogs in the yard between making my clients happy with my mad design skills.
The main thing I gathered lately from these books and videos where people speak about seasons…
It’s ok to be in a season where the dishes don’t get done every night, maybe this season you are running on the treadmill training for a 5k, or maybe you just want to binge-watch The Office every night after dinner.
Maybe this season you need to reconnect with friends by simply sending them a card in the mail (THIS IS MY FAVORITE SURPRISE). And maybe you just need to be away from social media and use a lot of free time to be in the quiet, maybe plant a garden this fall, or really work on your meditation practice.
Whatever season you need, accept it, and know that a new season can start whenever you are ready (tomorrow, next week, next month).
Forgive yourself if this isn’t your best season, maybe make a plan for how you can make the best out of it.
If I allowed comments on our blog, I would like you to share what you need for yourself this season, but that’s coming soon, once I understand how to fight off spam. Until then, DM me anytime on Instagram @thejoyfuldazzle.