I haven’t journaled in almost a month.
I’ve written down thoughts, but not just opened my mind and wrote it down without interruption.
Maybe I don’t want to think about the cancer.
There. Lingering.
Maybe I just want to believe I am going to be fine for a very long time and it will continue to be slow-growing.
It’s easier to think about work.
Dollars in, creativity out, helping other people with THEIR problems.
I start to think about the cancer again and thoughts of fear just flood back in.
Last night, I was reading Marie Forleo’s book “ Everything is Figueroutable” and the chapter was about fear.
Fear is an emotional reaction our body’s energy just reacts, but if we rename it to something like “I’m twazling” or some other silly name, then the twisted gut feeling I’m having is just that instead of fear.
Read her book and that chapter – she explains it better than me.
Anyways, if all I am doing is “twazling” right now, then I’m suppose to take a deep breath, think about the decision I need to make and connect with my body to see how it reacts to the idea.
This made me try it out last night and I decided I think it might seriously be a time to grow my business.
A time for me to stop holding myself back and see what happens.
This is exciting and complex. But everything is figueroutable, right?
Then this morning, I had a dream where I walked around a brand new office space for this company where I had my first full-time job after I graduated with my Bachelors.
In the dream, they showed me my new desk.
I greeted a few familiar faces eager to be working with others on a daily basis again.
Then I turned to a girl I remembered. She was grabbing something from the office kitchen.
“Hey!” she says, “I remember you! How long has it been?”
I stopped and thought about it to myself… The last time I was in this office, I was the first to be laid off when the great recession caused half the company to lose their jobs over the next year.
Why am I here again?
I woke up from my dream (aka nightmare), and it confirmed, I’m never going to have a job again. It’s not an option anymore. I don’t ever want a job again where I don’t control my fate in the company.
I need to stop giving myself the option to find a job in case my business doesn’t pay me. I have done this for seven years now, can’t I see that I have proven its survival.
But here comes the “twazling” again this morning.
How can I grow my company—be the CEO, have coworkers, AND have cancer?
What if my cancer decides to grow tomorrow and I have to focus on rest and treatment?
Am I just making another excuse still to hold myself back? To not grow my business.
[pause][breathe][cry]
My “twazling” is exhausting.
[pause for 5 minutes]
BUT what if it’s fun, exciting, totally successful, and the reason I’m still around on this earth.
Even if it’s just for the next 6 months that I enjoy myself while I build something, and then the cancer makes me pause then.
What else am I going to do until that day comes … just wait for the cancer to stop me?
I think it’s time to grow forward.
No more waiting around and making excuses (aka twazling).