Maybe I was just tired? Maybe he was too?
But politics was a stupid thing to argue so loudly about as we laid down for bed.
I get sooo mad when I am misunderstood. I am not saying I am right all the time, but when someone completely misunderstands what I am saying and tries to reinterpret it as something else, that’s where I get frustrated.
I yell so loud. I am sure if the neighbors were awake in their backyard they could hear me flip out.
And then I cry. Not about being mad but being able to get so mad. It’s not the woman I want to be.
Gentleness.
Then I am worried I got so mad and elevated my blood pressure. Ugh! So now I am experiencing panic because I am a f*ing time bomb it feels like.
At last week’s diagnosis, my doctor said that he would be shocked if he heard I died within 6 months from now. He said it would have to have been a heart attack from high blood pressure.
Well that’s not necessarily better to think about.
Now I am not just fighting cancer, I am fighting my heart. And I just verbally exploded all over my bedroom with my heart pumping hard.
Breathe. Just breathe. You are holding your husband’s hand now, calmly saying your frustrations and apologizing for spouting off like a crazy person. He easily falls asleep seconds later.
I keep crying quietly.
But I try to mimic his breathing just to calm myself some more.
Now I’m calm. Now I’m praying. My hand is over my heart and I can feel the Holy Spirit trying to take control again, reminding me that this body is just a vessel that may fail me, but I also have a chance to make it better.
Let’s do that.
Let’s calm myself, and just breathe.
Tomorrow I’ll be better. Tomorrow I am fixing our diet and aiming to heal.