One day you’re healthy… today you’re dying.
I mean we are all dying of course, but what a mind f*ck when you’re a “perfectly healthy” person with no symptoms, just obesity, and you find out your body is being attacked from the inside out.
It feels like a dream, a lie, like someone is playing a joke on you that just isn’t all that funny.
What do you do with yourself?
What if the day you found out could be erased, and you just kept going like the day before?
Is it a blessing to know?
Am I now motivated to change my life to try to have some impact because a year from now I could be really sick??? Stuck in bed, a burden to your loved ones and sad every time they cry or get frustrated.
My dad just died last year from cancer.
I know exactly what the end of this looks like.
It’s not pretty. It’s pretty freakin’ frustrating. Your whole family loves you so much they destroy their own days with worry and concern for you.
Is it motivation to have impact? Or now more stress because everyday you know is precious and if you spend it just being human doing normal things— watching tv, hanging out, relaxing from a hard day of work the day before— now a day is wasted.
You have X amount of days on this earth and now you have X-1 days and you just watched your favorite movie for the upteenth time for no benefit to the greater outcome of yours and others lives.
Or you just got to enjoy a freaking day with your favorite movie.
It’s quite the pressure on someone who before they found out they were dying was just telling themselves that their big goals are ok to take a day at a time because it won’t all happen in a day.
Progress is progress, baby steps.
Now it feels like I have to take giant steps.
And those goals? Are those even the same goals? These dreams for a career that could take 3 years to build a foundation for a wonderful career going forward into your 70s where you live every freaking day.
What if in 3 years all that effort leads to nothing, helps no one, and your big impact never made it?
F*ck.
What can I do right now? To change faster?
Oh and by the way, as of now we don’t know if this cancer will kill you in 1 year or 40. Or will you die at all? So now you are just like everyone else, not knowing how much time we have, but… you could be sick the whole way through, or not.
Dad didn’t have the side effects of a large tumor until he was 63. So maybe I have 39 more years of no symptoms.
He didn’t have cancer in his lymph nodes though until 64. I have them now.
F*ck.
F*ck <—- I hate this word, but what’s the right word for the shit that is going on in my brain right now. It just sucks.
Lord, I love you and trust you that all my fears be taken away, but Lord I need to hear you. I need to know what to take in my next steps. I don’t want this life wasted. I know you have a purpose for me on this earth, help me to listen for you. Help me to take action on what you require. This life is not mine but yours, and I know you don’t want it to just fade away. Help me to figure out what impact I can make for you in this world, Lord.
For now, just a couple more hours of sleep will be nice.
Thank you, Lord, for my wonderful birthday party with my family. This is truly what I enjoy the most is time with them. Thank you, Lord!
Jenn